All right? Hello. Just another normal day at the office.
Just a normal day, innit?
What? What are you laughing at?
He's mad. Obviously, red nose day.
It's always a good laugh. Keith? This is the sort of thing...
Ali G? Ali Keith!
Gareth, come here. Look at this. Normal day, right. Just a normal office. What are you doing?
I'm going to hop everywhere. Been sponsored.
That's the sort of thing we'll be doing today.
It's always a good laugh. We raised quite a lot last time, didn't we?
On a serious note, it is comic relief and we're raising money for people who are starving to death.
If I make people laugh while I'm saving lives, sue me, but...
do it.
Boyakasha.
That's an accountant and that's the boss encouraging it! So what sort of day is it? Is it normal?
I've got the "Slough gazette" coming down. It's like a photo.
- What time is it coming down? - About five-ish.
- They'll love us. - No it's just me.
- We can all be in it though. - Well not really. I called them, so..
- They'll love us. - Stop trying to worm into someone else's photo.
Everyone's joining in. This young lady... ooh, a bit saucy.
Selling kisses for the lads, or the ladies, if there are any ladies who like that sort..
I don't think there are any in this office, and if there are, good luck to them. They're all welcome. All equal, now.
- It's different for girls anyway, isn't it? It's more lighthearted. Lower risk. - Erotic
Well, not in this case. I mean, it's not a sexual day. It's er...
- Here's the man. Finchy! - Brentmeister!
Kisses for a quid. It's a good cause. Do you mind kissing me on the nose?
- No. Put your quid in. - Ok. Kiss me on the nose!
What do I get for a tenner? Squeal, piggy, squeal!
- No. I'm not that desperate. - Who says famine has to be depressing?
Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against this sort of thing, it's a good cause,
but I don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness, ok? it's the wackiness I can't stand.
It's like um.. If you see someone outside your house collecting for cancer research coz they've been personally affected by it
or an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about it - a real quiet dignity.
No. Come on, guys, leave it.
Leave it. Please!
And that's what today's all about - dignity.
No! No!
Always dignity.
Bastard! My wife and kids are gonna see those!
Sure there's people watching this now going, "Oi, Brent! Why are you still bothering with comic relief?
"They're always doing it and there's still people starving." That's why I'm still doing it. That's why you should too.
Probably put a number up there, shall we? If people want to make donations.
And I hear people go, "Oh no. The money just goes to hungry foreigners." Not true.
A lot of it stays in this country and goes to home-grown problems...
aka the disableds. A lot of money goes to these fellas.
No I'm not saying it goes to you. You don't need it, do you? You're working.
But if you do claim for it, you might probably claim for other stuff and that's up to you, as long as you don't abuse the system.
- Sadly a lot of them are. - What do you mean?
A lot of people are abusing the system.
- You gotta make sure that people who say they're crippled... - disabled.
...actually are... - disabled.
What? Are you suggesting that people pretend to be disabled in order to claim money off the DSS?
- I don't know. I'm just saying there be tests. - Oh god. What tests?
Stick pins in their legs, see if they react.
That is not going to work. I have feeling in my legs. I just can't walk.
- Allright, I'm just saying there should be tests. - We're all ears, Gareth.
Oh I dunno. When they go down the DSS to make a claim,
they should set off a fake fire alarm everybody legs it out the office, leaving them there.
If they're fake, they'll be up and running with you. If they're real, they'll be left there screaming for help.
Then you just come back in and say, "It's allright, don't cry. It's just a test. You've passed. Here's your money."
Spend it on what you like. One of those little blue cars or whatever you want
It's just one idea.
So...that's...
She's joining in with it. Do you want to put this on? Little nose?
- No, I don't. - No? It's up to you. Up to her. Her own decisions.
Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound as well, like Dawn.
- Well, you're not, and I wouldn't pay you if you were. - I know, such...I'll put your pound in, sure.
- I'll put a pound in so you can kiss me. - I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me.
I am paying, Gareth. It's quite simple. So, first of all just know it's for charity, I need to just get...
- Why are you such a bender? - I'm just...
Get off! I'm not kissing you. I didn't put a pound in. You are such a pervert!
- It just feels good, though. That feels better. - Get off! I hope you're getting all this.
And I hope your girlfriend knows that your gay coz otherwise she's gonna get a big surprise.
Is that your big surprise? I've found his big surprise. I've got it.
- Allright. Ok. Flipping heck. - You take things too far.
All right. Don't get so het up about it.
Ha ha! Hoo! Hah!
That was one way. I didn't kiss him back.
He's funny. He's a funny bastard.
- Pass it back. - You got it?
Yep. You got it.
Ok. Gather round, everybody. We've got a little surprise for you if you want to come away from your desks.
- Can you remember where we were in that game. - Sheila? Nice costume. You look fantastic.
Ok. Would you please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely Rachel.
Ok. It's that time again.
We've both suffered for our art here, please would you mind suffering with us and I'm going to be collecting at the end so if you give generously.
Thanks very much. Jennifer, could you do the honours please?
# 0h, girl, I've known you very well I've seen you growing every day
# I've never really looked before but now you take my breath away
# suddenly you're in my life a part of everything I do
# you got me working day and night just trying to keep a hold on you
# here in your arms I found my paradise
# my only chance for happiness
# and if I lose you now I think I would die
# 0h, say you'll always be my baby we can make it shine
# we can take forever just a minute at a time
# more than a woman
# baby more than a woman to me... #
# my baby moves at midnight
# goes right on till the dawn
# my woman takes me higher
# my woman keeps me warm
That looks gay.
# What you doin' on your back? Aah
# what you doin' on your back? Aah
# you should be dancing, yeah
# dancing, yeah... #
Thank you very much. That's quite a bit in there. You can add that to yours if you like.
Cheers. I've already raised more than that, in a way. £300 we did last time, so..
and if you wanted dancing, you should have come to me. No need to rehearse that, it's a planned..
- Do you dance? - Big time. Yeah.
More modern stuff than that as well. I've sort of fused "Flashdance" with MC Hammer shit.
- All right mate. Show us your moves. - No, there's no beat, is there. You can't...
- Come on! - He had music and eveything.
Well... just for charity, just a little bit.
# Do do do-do do dah... #
- So... that's... - great, Dave.
- Give me a bit of warning... - Don't have to give a donation for that, do we?
Well don't say it like that. All the money collected is for both dances, both excellent dances in their way.
If there is a difference. Mine was impromptu, but I don't think you should get extra points for that, necassarily.
Make your own minds up. Leave me out of it. I'm collecting for charity.
You've seen me entertain and raise money but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living.
Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people.
And if it's ideas for tv shows - game shows or whatever you want - I'm your man.
I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training,
but I'd like to do that on a global scale.
And that's not going "Oh look at me today. I'm entertaining whilst saving lives. Aren't I brilliant?"
It's going, "if you think I'm brilliant,
then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant."
Not as entertainers. A lot of them can't even speak english, but, you know..
Don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least.
And then maybe they could, you know, do something in their own country
on television or whatever they have.. the wireless or.. god knows
Give them a job on the world service or something.
We're from the local mental hospital. Is Gareth Keenan here? He's escaped.
- Coz he is mental. - Here's my crew.
Kisses for a quid. Yes.
My mad mates. That's all we need.
- Sorry about this. My mad mates. - Er... well...
- They finally came to take you away then? - Are you mad as well?
- Guilty! - He's the boss.
- Give us a job. - I've already got one reprobate. Thanks very much.
Jimmy the perv and the oggmonster.
- What's the weather like up there? - Ooh I've heard that before.
- Your parents put you in a gro-bag when you were little, did they? - That's an old one.
- "Let's grow ourselves a big lanky, goggle-eyed freak!" - All right calm down mate. There's no need to get offensive.
- I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you. - All right.. I was joining in with..
Don't have a go at the eyes, because that's astigmatism I've had from the age of five.
So that's what makes them a bit bulbous. Dont just..
- I didn't call you like whale man or blobber man as soon as I saw you. - Yea but I don't go around calling myself the mong boy.
- Well I don;t either. I call myself the oggmonster. - I'm not gonna call you the oggmonster.
- That's my name. - No it's not. What's your real name?
- Nathan. - It's a good name. - Is it? - Yes. I'll call you Nathan.
- I didn't call you fatty as sonn as I saw you! - What's the matter with him?
I've got a sponsorship form for comic relief. I wanted to enter into the spirit a bit more.
Gents, sorry to interrupt. I wondered if you'd like to sponsor me?
I have to hide as many of Gareth's possessions as I can from him, for the rest of the day.
- You're gonna do what? - I'll be hiding Gareth's belongings.
- I'll give you £2 for the lot. - That's a nice generous offer.
They're waiting for me.
Break it up. Put her down!
No, they wouldn't. She wouldn't. Her husband's loaded.
He does ok.
Oh, dear.
- What a day! He's still... - David, do you have that report?
- Glad you brought that up. - That's why I'm here.
Yes. Um... formulating a lot of good ideas...
No David, I don't want to talk about a report or the report we're going to do soon.
I'm talking about the report we talked about four days ago that was definitely gonna be done today.
You know how important I consider this report to be.
I come in, and I discover that this is the fruit of your labours.
- Don't go through my stuff when I'm not.. - Please, read the first sentence for Jennifer.
"Imagine a cross between 'Telly Addicts' and 'Noel's house party'.
"You've just imagined 'upstairs downstairs', a new quiz show devised and hosted by David Brent."
David, I just don't understand this.
- Contestants run upstairs and they get a clue... - No not the game show!
I don't understand why you haven't done the report you said you'd do,
I don;t understand your consistent negligience and failure to do what is asked of you.
Because you're viewing my methods like there's something missing.
You're looking at it like the jigsaw that it is but you're viewing it through a keyhole when really you should be...
- David some words would be useful here. - Oh..I think actions speak louder than words.
You're on a warning, ok? That's the action I'm gonna take.
It's a verbal warning. Obviously three strikes and you're out and things have got to change.
Fine. Give me all three now, then, because I'd love to see you run this place.
You'd have a mutiny on your hands for a start, coz they would.. but if that's what you want, c'mon let's bring it on.
No David that's not what I want. I want to see this place run with you doing your job, ok?
- Take the verbal warning... - Still take the warning?
Take the verbal warning...learn from it and let's move onwards and upwards. Ok?
Neil makes me laugh, though, because It's his interfering. It's his timing.
Going on about he wants some report doing. It's red nose day.
What's more important? You, Neil, with your report or some starving children?
Oh, I don't know. Oh, What would Lenny Henry say? I think we know.
Imagine him going out the door on comic relief day
and Dawn French is going "Where're you going? "you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out".
"Do it yourself! I've got to save some Africans!"
- What are you reading? - A holiday brochure.
Why is that, then? Going on holiday?
- Possibly. - Where to?
The states.
- United states? - Yeah.
Don't know if you've heard the gossip, but Tim's going out with Rachel.
- Er... yeah. I'd heard. - He used to fancy you, didn't he?
- Did he? - Yeah, he did.
And now he's found someone better.
Yup.
- Seen my phone? - Huh?
Where's my phone?
- Have you got it? - No.
Where have you put it? Seriously where have you put my phone?
- I don't believe it! - Gareth...
- So many times I've told you not to touch my stuff. - Listen...excuse me...
- Gareth, it's for charity, allright? - What else have you taken? Where's my tiny tanks?
- How am I supposed to work? - You'll just have to hop to it.
- A lot of crime in America. - Right. Well, I'll be careful.
Word of advice. Keep your traveller's cheques in a bum-bag.
Thanks. I'll buy one.
- When you get there? - Yup.
Word of warning, then. Out there they call them fanny packs.
'Cause fanny means your arse over there...
...not your minge.
Where's...? God, you're so immature!
- Where...? Right. I demand that everything is back... - Gareth's stopped hopping everywhere.
- How can I supposed to do any work? - Gareth I've told you it's for charity.
- It's not for charity though, is it? It's for you winding me up. - Gareth's stopped hopping.
I don't have to hop all day. It's just when I'm moving I have to hop.
- Where does it say that in the rule book? - Where is my.. see?
That's mine, for a start. Straightaway. Where's the rest of it?
Gareth. Ok, Gareth. Just calm down, ok? Have a seat. You've been on your foot all day.
Oh God! How do you hide a chair?
- Dawny. Take that? - Yeah.
You all right? All right?
There you go. Prawn and avocado. See you later.
- You're not going to eat here? - I've gotta get back.
I made £19 today.
Any of it going to English kids or is it all going abroad I suppose?
Well... stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss.
- I'm not paying for it, mate. - Them's the rules.
- All right. - Thank you.
There you go. Come here, you.
Good. That's great.
- See ya. - See ya.
Right. Oh... my contribution.
Thank you. Where do you want your kiss?
- Yea it's all right. I gave you the pound. - You've got to have a kiss.
It's the rules.
- What you doing? - Just working.
I'm very, very, very bored.
Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.
I think he's a little bit jealous he's not getting the view you're getting.
Wrong. I got the arse this side, so..
I'd only want to be sitting where he's sitting if you was wearing skirt and I could look up there at it.
- Aren't you going to defend my honour? - No.
- You'd better get off the table. - He's embarrassed by his new girlfriend!
I'm not.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
We're cool.
- Today or tomorrow? - Tomorrow lunchtime.
- Excuse me, David. - Yes.
- Can we have another quick word? - Not now, no. I'm literally running downstairs this minute.
"The Gazette" are coming in to take my picture.
I'm going to be in the paper. Wernham-Hogg are going to be in the paper. Free advertising, so.. That's not why I'm doing it.
- This shouldn't take long. - Ok.
Sorry to spring this on you now. We've been discussing something you said earlier -
and it's certainly something we've been thinking about as well.
We'd like to offer you a very generous redundancy package.
Are you offering it or telling me I've got to take it?
- We're telling you you've got to take it. - We'll put in a proper meeting tomorrow.
That's good timing, isn't it? Telling me that today. The day of laughter.
Brilliant.
That's that ruined, isn't it? That's what I was...
It's got pockets and everything.
So now I'll try and go down there and be funny.
That's going to be good, isn't it?
With that going through.
I knew you were up to something, planning something.
Jennifer, do you agree with this? Because we can...
I'll be all right. Don't worry about me. I've got other irons in the fire, so..
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, to be honest.
But I'm going to love to see you telling that lot, out there, coz you are gonna have a mutiny on your hands.
They will go berserk. Definitely.
If that's it, can you leave now, please?
G on. I've got stuff to do. I've got laughter... I've got money to raise. Mouths to feed.
- Thanks for your time. - Yeah.
If you're wondering what that meeting was just about in there...
That's it. I've been made redundant.
Yeah.
After it was me who saved others from redundancy. And then it's back...
the good die young.
But um... yes... I said you lot are going mental.
Now I've got to go and give laughter.
But...
See ya.
Ah?
See ya.
Ok. Do you just want to make it peck?
Just run around a bit.
Yeah.
Good.
Ok.
- Smile. It's for comic relief. - Can I just do it standing there?
Just.. can you make it peck at your mates like Roy Hudd?
- Rod Hull. - Yeah. Just do that.
Good.
Yeah.
- Ok. Good. That's fine. - All right?
It's a bit dark, actually. I didn't bring a flash. Probably won't be able to use these actually.
- Ok. Don't be disappointed if they're not in. - No.
- Thank you. - Cheers.
- Well done, David. - No worries.
- Did I miss it? - Yes.
Booyakasha.